Category Archives: London

Are you feeling less than excellent?

If January has left you feeling dismal and you’ve resorted to buying daffs and eating hot cross buns in an effort to hurry Spring up a bit, maybe a class at the London College of Excellence will sort you out a bit.

Yes, it really exists. I discovered the London College of Excellence on a bus map out at White City today and it gave me my first belly laugh of the year.

It made me wonder what went on there – and what other daft colleges there are: the College of Niceness maybe, or the College of Mediocrity (credited to my friend Anna) – so of course I had to get online and check it out to see what’s so excellent about it.

Having now done so, I wish I hadn’t bothered. Their website is about as dull and uninformative as it’s possible for a college website to be. Click on the page titled ‘Courses’ and you get no information whatsoever about courses. Definitely not excellent. Perhaps it should be renamed the College of Can’t-be-arsed. Much more appropriate for this time of year.

London’s first snow

This morning London got its first snow of the season…

I know it doesn’t look like much yet but it is still trying.
Fingers crossed for a white Christmas.

Hyde Park Winter Wonderland

Since Saturday, not only have I been wandering around singing Chris Rea’s festive ditty Driving home for Christmas, but as I’ve been singing it, it’s been accompanied in my head by a moose.

Apparently this moose is making its second annual appearance in Hyde Park because last year someone YouTube’d it…  Singing Moose

It’s been two years since I last went to the winter fair, when it comprised a couple of crappy stalls, some even crappier rides and a rather pretty big wheel. This year it’s ginormous – the rides are endless and look great fun and there’s tasty-looking food and booze on every corner. And a singing moose. What more could you ask for?

I can’t wait to go back and have a go on the dropping thing and the top-hanging rollercoaster but I think I’ll hold off with the burger-eating and glogg-drinking until I’ve had my fill of spinning and whizzing around. My stomach’s not as strong as it used to be and a marzipan potato might tip me over the edge.

The weather

As much as yesterday’s government absurdity aka ‘happiness index’ made me unhappy, nature worked damn hard this morning to redress the balance and gift me with my second best favourite kind of weather – fog at its thickest consistency.

Apologies to those of you who have no interest in the weather (G!) but I do.

I might not care about isobars and all the other html of weather but I care very much about the colour and texture of the sky and it gives me a weeny bit of pleasure on these autumn mornings to look out of the window and try to gauge what kind of hat I’ll need to tether my unruly hair against the elements.

They say small things please small minds but as the weather is fairly infinite in its largeness I can only assume…

Psycho on the buses

You’d think that a prerequisite for being a London bus driver would be to be a wee bit patient. Patient with the traffic, patient with all the stopping and the starting and patient with the STOP bell ringing all day long.

This morning, I waited to get off an almost empty 19 bus, having pressed the bell once. Just before we got to the stop, the bell rang again. The bus driver stuck his head out and started shouting at me about “…ringing the bloody bell”.

Rather surprised at being sworn at before 8am, I told him I hadn’t rung the bell again. Which made him get even more angry and start shouting about how he couldn’t see anyone else wanting to get off. At which point a man came down the stairs and waited to get off.

“Would you like to apologise now?” I asked as he finally opened the doors. He didn’t.

I think I’ll have to add that bus driver to the same list as the dog crap bag dumpers.

Bring on the revolution!

Fog

As a winter-lover, I’ve been waiting for the change from summer to autumn with a great deal of impatience, so this morning I was one happy but slightly cold bunny when I saw this beautiful grey fog hanging over the river.

100% Design 2010

I’ve been going to 100% Design since 1996 and if the giant pile of bumf I willingly collected is anything to go by, this year is possibly the most interesting it’s ever been.

So here’s what caught my eye, in no particular order. Sorry if I miss out any credits.

Polymer Clock by Pottinger and Cole
They also do one with very lovely orange and grey hands and can change the polymer colour too if you ask nicely.

There was a fair bit of creatively used concrete this year and this company (whose name I forgot) had a rather wonderful sort of etched feel to their concrete wall.

Heavy Light Collection by Benjamin Hubert
I remembered to card-gather by the time I saw these great concrete lights. But I do think they’d be even better if they were made from Litracon.

Trace of Time by Ilgu Cha
A noteboard with an adjustable timer mechanism. As the hand moves around the board, it wipes off all the things you wrote on your ‘to do’ list.

Birdhouses by Gavin Coyle
Each one is unique and hand-made from bits of wood most people would chuck on the firewood pile. I want the bottom-left one.

Bramcote bench by Edward Robinson
There was something a bit warm and fuzzy about this beech bench. It made me think of wet dog and snowboots.

Flatpack chair kit by Dan CivicoI’m a generally a big fan of furniture that you get to play with before you use it and this one looks great before and after assembly. Surely this has to be the perfect chair for people to send their kids off to college with.

Dan Civico was just one of a showcase of designers from the North East of England exhibiting together under the www.design-event.co.uk banner.

So that’s my top pics from the 2010 show. Hopefully 2011 will be even better.

100% Design

London sky

There are some truly vile things about getting up early in the morning but the sky over London this morning isn’t one of them.

On some days, London sky is grey and cloudy and flat like the whole city has its head buried under a blanket. More often, it’s like a child’s drawing of sky - pale blue with fluffy white clouds blowing all over the place but today, just briefly, it was endlessly blue with little aeroplanes zipping across it every few seconds.

There are people who complain about the volume of planes going across London but not me. Mostly, the traffic in the city is so loud that any aeroplane noise just gets lost in it and I figure that if you can hear the planes, you’re just lucky you can’t hear all the traffic too.

This morning, not even a vapour trail sullied the sky and it prompted me to wander along like a loony singing Joanna Newsom’s ‘This side of the blue’, which really is the perfect tune to start the day with – unless of course you already happen to have ‘It’s a beautiful morning’ by the Rascals playing at full volume in your internal MP3.

Aeroplane in sky over London

Fortnum & Mason

In Breakfast at Tiffany’s (the first film I ever called my favourite) Holly Golightly describes Tiffany’s as her cure for ‘The Mean Reds’ and a place where ‘nothing very bad could happen to you’. My own Tiffany’s is Fortnum & Mason’s – a store that, thanks to Orinoco Womble, I have known about since long before I actually went there.

Orinoco Womble holding a Fortnum & Mason hamperAs a child I was a Wombles geek. I collected Womble figures. I had a Wombles pillowcase and a Wombles lampshade. I had all their albums and books. At the age of seven or so I probably could have won Mastermind if I’d picked the Wombles as my subject. I even had a Wombles vest (which I confess I still wore for many years after the lampshade got replaced).

My introduction to Fortnum and Mason’s came when Orinoco Womble got upset and ran away from Wimbledon Common to the shop (or Fortune & Bason, as he called it). As he described the luxury of all the things he found that they’d thrown away, I was hooked. Not that I’m even remotely into bin-diving – when it comes to Fortnum’s I’m a front entrance only kind of girl – I just loved the idea of a store that sold food for pure luxury. Growing up in the sticks in the 1970′s, my only experience of food luxury was spending ages picking out ‘one of those and one of those’ from the penny sweets section at the village shop.

Now I live in London and can pop in to Fortnum’s whenever I’m passing, or even just feast my eyes at their sparkling window displays from the top of a bus, and it always gives me that great ‘Tiffany’ feeling. A feeling that all is right with the world and so long as Fortnum & Mason’s is there, it always will be.

Fortnum & Mason

 

Fortnum and Mason

Rent-a-bike

Today is the launch of London’s new TFL bike hire scheme. It works something like this: you sign up and pay online, get yourself a key thingy, stick it in the right hole at the bike park, then get on the bike and ride away on it to another bike park somewhere near where you want to end up.

It’s a nice idea but all this signing up/key business is a little bit too complicated for impulse-cycling. It would be much more useful if anyone could just stick their credit card in and pedal off any time they felt like it. I’m not a big fan of forward planning when it comes to things like this.

But still, I am enjoying seeing all the shiny new bikes in their bays all over town. And I love that it’s bringing out the curiosity in people and getting perfect strangers chatting to each other as they examine the bikes and ping their twisty bells.

TFL bike park

Chipotle

I have a new crush – Chipotle on Charing Cross Road. It sells what are possibly the best burritos in town.

There’s nothing much else I can tell you about them that their photo can’t say so much better, so here it is…

Chipotle burrito

Chipotle’s menu

A blow to Democracy

Alas, the peaceful protestors in Democracy Village have been evicted. This will make parliament’s occupants (and Boris Johnson) very happy I’m sure but this Londoner isn’t quite so pleased.

It’s not that I’m a raving peacenik or anything but I like the fact that some people are. They put don’t-really-carers like me to shame with their willingness to camp out in inhospitable places and point out the injustices of the world.

It was also rather nice to see a campsite in the middle of town. It had a village fete feel about it and always made me smile as I looked down at it from the top of the bus. And let’s face it – smiles don’t come that easily on the top of a bus in this hot, stinking London summer.

A spokeswoman for the mayor apparently said “The square will now be closed temporarily, during which time the site will be restored for the use of Londoners.”

This woman is obviously an idiot. No self-respecting Londoner ever goes to Parliament Square – it’s basically a green traffic island surrounded on all sides by constant noisy, filthy traffic. The wonderfully verdant St James’ Park is only two minutes away for anyone in need of a sit-down. As for its restoration – it’s just a square of grass. How much restoration does grass need?

The lovely thing about protestors though is that, like in a game of Whack-a-Moley, they always pop back up somewhere else. I believe The Queen has a rather nice back yard in town just ripe for pitching a few tents while she’s away for the summer.

Democracy Village, Parliament Square

The Big Stink

Something very odd happened in London today. It started with a bit of a funky odour when I got to Kings Cross. Even though I have a very sensitive sense of smell, at first I couldn’t quite work it out. I was just thinking it smelt like a mix of rotten feet with a splash of stale armpit thrown in when it hit me – falafel!

Obviously, being a cumin-hater, my first thought was a definite ‘Eugh!’, but I thought it fair enough – it was getting on for lunch time and there are people who like that sort of thing.

A couple of air-conditioned hours later (still in Kings Cross) and the smell on the street had been turned up to full whiff. I got on a bus and it was there too – stronger if anything. I had one of those horror moments, wondering if it was me who was emitting the smell, but a subtle sniff of my pits and a quick body check for squashed falafel gave me the all clear.

I hopped off the bus at Oxford Street and falafel-pong was everywhere. I sent a text to a friend to find out if the smell was just my brain playing tricks on me. I got a reply saying “maybe that’s why I’ve been wanting one all day”. So it wasn’t just me – something had obviously planted the seeds of falafel-desire in my friend’s head.

As I headed west, the smell remained. And when I got home, I was greeted with more falafel mixed with the smell of lilies.

So where has this vile stench come from? Is there a Falafel Festival going on somewhere in town that no-one warned me about?

They say every city has its own smell. Maybe falafel is London’s official odour and the lack of rain over the past few weeks has allowed the stench to fester and envelop the whole city. Grim!

I think I’m being watched

As far as having my photo taken goes, I’m a bit like those ancient African tribesmen who (so myth has it) thought that their souls would be stolen if they had their picture taken.

But I live in London and everywhere I turn there’s a camera somewhere pointing at me. I can’t leave my flat without having my soul zapped (assuming the camera above the front door is working).

There are tourists everywhere, getting in my way with their posing or aiming their cameras at the bus as I’m gazing out of the window. And even though that highly dubious figure of 300 snaps a day for your average person in the UK is bandied about willy-nilly, it’s probably fair to say that I am pictured in an awful lot more photos than I’d prefer (ie none).

I put up with this, usually uncomplaining, because I realise that the CCTV cameras are there for a reason. If they help even one baddie to be locked up, then they’ve done a good job. Besides, I don’t wander around doing things I’d be too worried about other people seeing.

That said, over the last few months there’s one camera that has been making me a little bit nervous. It’s the camera that points at me every time I open the lid on my laptop.

CCTV screensI’ve never connected it – don’t even know how to – but what if it’s just on, without my knowing?

 What if ‘on’ is the default setting and every time I log on, there is someone, somewhere just staring at me as I type. How would I ever know?

Unless they made some sort of collage-type film and when I turn on the TV one day, there will be a film of me staring back at myself, looking – let’s just say – not at my best.

Although I realise this is some kind of vanity – I mean, why would anyone choose me to stare at over anyone else? – but in these times people seem to like staring at people doing bugger all.

Take Big Brother for example. People watch that crap even in the middle of the night when all the freaks contestants are sleeping. And as Big Brother is taking its final breaths, the producers are sure to be looking around for their next project.

So, if you’re somebody who knows and feel up to a bit of soul-saving, please explain to me how to tell if my laptop camera is recording anything. Until then, where’s that gaffer tape?

Chelsea Physic Garden

Do you have a place that you walk past every day and think ‘I really must go in there’ every time you pass?

For me it’s the Physic Garden, hidden away behind a high old wall on my daily part-hike to work for the past five years, so this afternoon, tempted by the sunshine and a bit of free time, I turned from the path and made my way round the wall to the public entrance.

I expected a beautiful flower-filled, fragrant garden. What I got was a beautiful flower-filled garden stinking of poorly-composted manure, but the stench was a small price to pay in comparison to the amazing collection of plants.

Once upon a time, back in 1673, it was filled with plants of purely medicinal value but these days has a wider range of botanical subjects, including a fantastic face-high thistle with the delightful name of Silybum something-or-other.

My favourite area was the old rock garden with a raised  pond. Probably because it reminded me a little of the natural planting you find along coastal paths and I am rather fond of a good coastal path. I fell in love with the plant below that looks an awful lot like cow parsley. I won’t leave it so long until my next visit.

Chelsea Physic Garden

Chelsea Physic Garden

Portraits & pimples

Thanks to Photoshop, it no longer matters if you have a giant zit on your chin when you get a new passport photo. Just scan it into your computer and in a few clicks your skin is spot-free for the next 10 years.

It occurred to me that portrait painting back in days of yore was probably similar to Photoshop in that wealthy gents might pay the artists a few extra pennies to do a little… tidying up.Hans Sloane

But then I saw this statue of Sir Hans Sloane in Chelsea. It’s so beautifully carved – the eyes actually look like they’re drawn on in pencil – yet the sculptor has carefully chiselled two hideous great moles on the poor man’s face.

Today I went to see the Wallace Collection and it was full of paintings of people who could only, at best, be described as ordinary-looking, complete with a whole assortment of lumps, bumps and droopy jowls.

If I was going to spend hours on end sitting still while someone painted or carved my likeness, feel free to call me shallow but I’d want them to concentrate on my good bits. None of that photorealism for me.

St. Pancras station

There’s nothing quite like the feeling you get as you wander around a station when you’re not going anywhere, watching all the people hurriedly lugging their bags between departure boards and platforms, clutching their Upper Crust baguettes.

Passing time at St. Pancras station is even more special. Perhaps because it has the Eurostar and I can’t even hear the word Eurostar without feeling that I’m almost on holiday.

Not only does it have the Eurostar, but St. Pancras station has a Sourced Market in place of a Whistlestop, a Fine Burger Company instead of a Burger King and if you want to stock up on goodies for your journey here, there’s a Neuhaus chocolate shop and a Peyton & Byrne bakery selling home-made-looking cakes in tins and milk chocolate with Cornish sea salt.

The other thing I adore about St. Pancras station is the beautiful hotel at the front, which I’ve only ever imagined going in as it has been derelict for years and now has the builders in. A company called the Manhattan Loft Company are doing something to it – presumably making Manhattan-style lofts and not restoring it back into a hotel.

But such is life. We might not be able to travel back in time to see a fresh-faced St. Pancras hotel but we can travel forward – straight out of the station and down into Europe via the Eurostar (are you feeling it yet?).

Or failing that, we can remind ourselves that the exchange rate on the pound is extremely low against the euro and just visit St. Pancras every now and then to sample its delights and play a little game of make-believe that we’re going on holiday. On the Eurostar, of course.

St. Pancras station

RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2010

One of the great things about living near Chelsea is the flower show each summer. And you don’t have to go to the thing to enjoy it, in fact it’s actually better if you don’t – unless you’re one of the privileged few who get to go on the Monday when there are fewer people and I believe you’re even allowed to walk on the gardens.

If you go as a regular punter, it’s like opening time at a country jumble sale and you’re stuck behind the ropes trying to view the gardens beneath someone’s armpit.

I worked there one year and was quite relieved to be on the safe side of the rope for a few hours while people tried to grab my leaflets and ask me over and over what “that plant there” was. (It was Alchemilla mollis.)

No, it’s much better to watch the shenanigans on tv and take a walk round Chelsea and Pimlico instead and see what sort of effort the local shops have made to mark the occasion.

This giant flower outside Cartier on Sloane Street is my favourite this year.

giant flower made from flowers outside Cartier, Sloane Street

London

A few days ago someone asked me what I would miss most about London if I moved away. My first response was ‘everything’ – except tourists, traffic, noise… but I really couldn’t think of anything specific that I would miss.

Until today when I cut down a side street and ahead of me was a large open gate in a wall of black boards and beyond the opening, the most enormous open space where something once was.

As I got closer, the security guard closed the gate so I had to walk around the hoardings until I found a gap to peer through. What I saw was the city equivalent of a valley filled with rubble and, standing off to one side, what looked very much like an old mid-building chapel.

The area seemed so familiar and oddly sad but I couldn’t work out what had been demolished until I came across the building company’s sign identifying a new development called ‘Noho’ on the site of the old Middlesex hospital.

So that’s what was missing. I only went there once. It was to see my uncle who was in for what I believe had started with prostate cancer. He wasn’t there for long but whatever they did for him didn’t work.

As I walked around the edge of the space, I wondered about all the people who’d been through there over the years and how hospitals were such strange places, filled with sorrow and joy and endless hope.

At one edge of the space, the facade of an old street of boarded up shops was being propped up with scaffolding and it made me smile to think of some trendy new development with one wall of ancient London stuck on to it.

It was this lack of building which made me realise what I would miss most if I should ever leave London. I would miss the temporary holes that are made, allowing glimpses of bits of the city that I’ve never seen before and probably will never be able to see again.

Ron Arad – Reinventing The Wheel and the Teeter Totter

I’ve been a bit of a Ron Arad fan since before I even heard of him, when I saw some of his work in the One Off store that used to be on Neal Street in Covent Garden.

A few years later I saw his This Mortal Coil bookshelf in the V&A and liked it so much I created something similar out of skin-plywood for my cassette collection.

Today, as I walked round Ron Arad’s exhibition at the Barbican, it occurred to me that his work seems to fall distinctly into two camps.

The first being highly sculptural pieces with their organic, flowing shapes – pieces which leave me somewhat cold. They’re quite beautiful and technically brilliant but artistically just a bit… easy.

The other work is the stuff that knocks me off my feet. Pieces that play about with materials and engineering as well as challenge our preconceptions about how things should be.

The rolling bookshelves called Reinventing The Wheel - put on the Teeter Totter tilting ramp to show how they work – actually had me laughing out loud. When have you ever seen a bookshelf that did that to you?

Ron Arad's Reinventing the Wheel bookshelf on the Teeter Totter

 Ron Arad's Reinventing the Wheel bookshelf on the Teeter Totter

 Ron Arad's Reinventing the Wheel bookshelf on the Teeter Totter

Ron Arad’s Restless exhibition

Westfield and crap advertising posters

I was waiting for a bus when I saw this image which captures two things I hate in one picture.

Quebec advert hoarding outside Westfield shopping centre

Firstly, Westfield.

I’m not a big fan of shopping malls in general. They’re fine if you live in the sticks and have to go everywhere by car and they’re all you’ve got but why did anyone think it necessary to build one in London where the whole city’s yours for the price of a travelcard?

And Westfield is far worse than Bluewater or Lakeside. I can’t put my finger on why I hate it so much. All I know is that the minute I get inside the place, I instantly lose all desire to shop and can’t get to the exit quick enough.

Secondly, crap advertising posters.

This one is a classic. If you can decipher any of it, please translate for me. What does ‘Providing emotions since 1534′ mean? It’s just jibber! Emotions aren’t provided. They’re sometimes stimulated – and this advert has certainly stimulated a few of mine.

Whoever came up with the idea for it should be ashamed of themselves. And whoever actually gave the nod and handed over the cheque should be set in concrete with ‘This is where your evening leads’ engraved on it, then dumped into the river. Or maybe just sent to Quebec.

Ply tapered table by Unto This Last

Ever since I first saw this table, I have wanted to run my fingers along the ‘pit’ where the top becomes leg. I realise that makes me sound like some sort of furniture perv but I am. So what?

Ply tapered table by Unto This Last Unto This Last make some amazing furniture and products.

Best of all, they make things here in London at their own workshops and their prices are super reasonable for semi-bespoke furniture.

I’m hoping they’ll discover how fantastic I think they are and reward me by getting me to design something for them. They wouldn’t be disappointed!

Unto This Last

Art

Written in July 2008
 
Wandering around on the top terrace of the Hayward Gallery the other day I came across an odd-looking building made out of chipboard and plywood. Inside, a film had just started and some guy on-screen was saying that someone else had “always wanted to bury a building” and for that fleeting moment as my friend and I pushed past the other viewers and settled down to watch, I thought what a great idea that was. I could just see it; a small detached house like the sort that kids draw – perhaps one that had just been left for the day, washing-up still in the sink, clothes drying on a rack – you know the sort of thing. There it was in my mind, earth falling all around it, encapsulating it in a cocoon of damp darkness like a time capsule being left there sleeping to be discovered centuries later.
 
But that was where the daydream was brought abruptly to an end. The building in question was not a carefully chosen house, but just a crumbling wooden lean-to that happened to be redundant and on-hand in the grounds of Kent State University where Robert Smithson had been invited to create something. And he didn’t bury it either – just pushed a heap of soil over one end until it could no longer take the weight. Then he titled it Partially Buried Woodshed and gave it a price tag of $10,000 or so.
 
Now as someone who rarely finishes anything, I know an unfinished project when I see one. Did Robert Smithson simply run out of time or inclination? Who knows? What I do know is that if Smithson was just some random student, the shed project in question would never have been mentioned again, let alone have a gaggle of academics spouting verbiage about its importance in the history of the world and all that crap forty-odd years later.
 
In an effort to resist a Tourettish outburst and stop my arteries bursting open and spattering the carefully jigsawed woodwork, I let my mind drift off into the structure surrounding us and recalled one of my earlier visits to the Hayward Gallery. Back in the late 1980′s I was a first year art student, studying sculpture out in the sticks. Our tutors had declared it of ‘utmost importance’ that we do a group trip to London to see the Rodin exhibition. They marched us painfully slowly round the show, verbally masturbating all over each piece. Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been into figurative works of art. To my mind, even the most boring live person is infinitely more interesting than one made out of bronze or painted onto canvas (although thinking back, perhaps my college tutors were the exception to that rule).

So anyway, sticky with pseudo-intellectual ejaculate and under the pretence of needing the loo, I escaped to the top floor to find out what The Boyle Family were all about.

Now you’ll have to forgive me if I get their thing a bit wrong but from what I gathered, The Boyle Family had thrown a dart in a map, then got a larger scale map of the area where the dart hit, then thrown another dart and gone to that place and picked a piece of the land to make an exact copy of it out of resin.

I wandered around looking at these casts and fell completely arse-over-tit in love. It was an epiphany. As a kid growing up in the countryside, I’d spent many a happy hour with my face pressed to the ground watching ants and daisies and stuff but not once had I actually looked at the land simply to see what it looked like – colours, textures, patterns, composition and all that. Now here I was, staring at it on a gallery wall like I was a just-landed alien looking at a planet for the first time and thinking it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I skipped back to my group, high on my newly-discovered knowledge but when I tried to share it, my tutors looked at me as if I’d just smeared dog crap on their precious Rodin and whisked us all out of the gallery faster than you can spit.

Twenty years on and not a day goes by when I don’t look at the land beneath my feet and get something back from it. And it’s not just visual things either but history and sociology and so much more than my limited vocabulary can describe. Random stuff like reflections of trees in puddles and looking down at Oxford Street from the top of a bus, counting the numbers of gum spits per paving slab and noticing how much more concentrated they are at the Marble Arch end.

I don’t need art buffs or price tags to tell me what I ought to be looking at and neither do you. Art is everywhere we look and is everything we look at – but maybe we need to see it in a gallery once in a while to remind us.

Psycho Buildings is on at the Hayward Gallery until 25 August 2008. My favourite piece was Rachel Whiteread’s Place (village).