Written in September 2008

Really fat people make me sick. They waddle breathlessly around in their elasticated trousers taking up way too much space and looking generally repulsive. It’s just wrong!

Now before you get on your politically-correct high horse and call me a fat-fascist, remind yourself that we’re now in the noughties and ignorance about nutrition can no longer be used as an excuse. Obesity in adults is self-induced, caused by gluttony and a total lack of self-control. And how can obesity in children be seen as anything other than child abuse? Besides, it’s not as if I’m some skinny bitch pointing the finger – I am dangerously close to joining the bouncy castle brigade. Medically speaking, I am well into the overweight stripe on the BMI chart. Maybe that’s why I can’t stand fatties – it’s my own fear about what I’m so close to becoming staring me right in the face.

Despite all this knowledge we have about the medical problems being fat causes, it’s impossible to get away from fat people. If they’re not out there taking up too much room on the bus, they’re on TV – either being nagged at by Gillian McKeith (one skinny woman who looks so rough she actually has me reaching for the pies) or being told they look great naked by Gok ‘I used to be fat too’ Wan. I don’t look that bad naked either – from the front in the right light and if I suck in and hoick up – but put some tight undies on me and turn me sideways… yeuch! Flab muffin is not good on anyone and neither are bingo wings.

But enough of all that. This isn’t just an anti-fatso rant or a bit of self-flagellation. The powers that be are always going on about the great burden to the National Health Service fat people add so I’ve given it some thought and come up with an easy-fix solution. It won’t require education of the masses or even self-control – this is a sure thing.

I’m proposing that food should be charged by the calorie: 1 calorie = 1p. Lard-arses like me who now happily skip lunch in exchange for a bag of Cheese & Onion and a Snickers would soon change our eating habits – we’d have to! Buy-one-get-one-free on all the crap that isn’t good for anyone will have to bog-off because when I rule the world a bag of crisps will be about £1.70 and a Snickers £3.23. In comparison, a big bag of salad would probably be about 30p. See where I’m going with this? Fairly fatless meat, most fish, veggies, loads of fruit… all would be cheap as chips – although that expression will have to change because the price of chips will become extortionate. Chocolate will need to be reserved for special occasions only and pies will be strictly blue moon stuff.

Following my regime, poor people would become slim and healthy. Kids would be able to run and play – and if the reports about low IQ and Attention Deficit Disorder being related to poor diets are true, they’d be brainier and better behaved too. It’d be fun to see how the rich people fared too. Lardiness would once again become a sign of affluence. Wouldn’t you just love to see Posh Spice waddling around in a pair of size 22 tracky-b’s?

I admit there is one big flaw in my plan and that is that it would cost your average person about £22 per day to eat a healthy balanced diet. Now this might be pretty much what most single city dwellers already spend if you include alcohol but it might be a bit steep for a single-income family of four. So as a concession, maybe complex carbohydrates could be supplied at a slightly reduced rate but only in their basic ingredient format. Nothing ready-made should be cheap. Just think how easy it would be to go on a diet. None of that endless weighing stuff and calorie-counting – you’d just have to take, say, £15 out in cash each day and just eat and drink until your money runs out.

But until someone-who-can takes my idea to the masses, we’ll just have to continue living in a world where junk food is the cheapest luxury available – and when many of us feel getting out of bed each day is the modern equivalent of facing a battleground we want a bit of luxury to help us keep our swords raised. Starbucks anyone?

2 responses to “Lard

  1. I wrote out a lengthy reply to this, then godDAMN Sockwave Flash crashed Chrome AGAIN (don’t you love labour-saving technology) so, utterly disgusted, I cannot re-type it.

    The short version is, people – all of us – are flawed, don’t judge them (or yourself); just understand and be compassionate; try to solve problems with wisdom rather than with arcane rules and meddling.

    And I wanted to post this:

    Hopefully it doesn’t crash your browser. Bloody computers…

  2. Haha! Lard, salt and cornflakes – probably the daily breakfast for all the overweight kids these days!

    And I think my 1 calorie for 1p is a very wise way of dealing with the problem. It’s not the fat kids who are flawed – it’s their parents!

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